i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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