Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
