one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
