He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
