"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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