I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
