he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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