the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
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Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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