is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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