had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
