May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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