non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
