Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
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Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
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sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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