you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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