my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
PANTIES FOUND
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
