Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
