I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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