I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
