Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
