i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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