I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
