mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
