Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Randomize
