fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
