I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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