i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
