Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
