i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
