Im at strip club and am horny
Swine flu. Run for my life!
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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