She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Drunk is not a location!
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
