I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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