No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
