definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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