So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
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Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
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Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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