Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
