I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize