Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
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