i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
