Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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