i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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