i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
