So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
