I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
