you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
