This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
