smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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