i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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