i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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