somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
