i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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