There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
