I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
