I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
ttyl tear gas
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
