today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
