she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
