Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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