woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
