I'm gonna have a badass scar
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
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We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
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are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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