I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
