either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
