Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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