I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
