first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
my shit smells like andre
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I stole a fireplace last night.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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